A straight cisgender woman “repelled by heterosexuality” sought dating advice for a “classic millennial sex pickle.”
January 30 2020 2:56 PM EST
A straight cisgender woman is “repelled by heterosexuality politically and personally” but also “really into dick.” So is it OK for her to seek out love from bisexual men on apps like Grindr traditionally used by queer guys?
This was the question proposed by the anonymous writer “Radical” to Slate’s sex advice column, How to Do It. In the letter published Monday, Radical called her predicament a “classic millennial sex pickle” and made it clear that her main concern was not intruding on a digital safe space for gay people.
“I do want to be respectful of gay men’s spaces and not horn in where I’m not welcome, but I really would love to find a vers guy with queer politics who would be up for casually dating a woman,” she wrote.
In response to Radical’s inquiry, the sex columnist offered a “general rule of thumb” to follow. “If you enter a space as someone who is not a member of the demographic for which said space was established, you should behave yourself. Don’t try to make something that has been designed to be not about you about you. The world is not your bachelorette party,” they cautioned, a reference to the trend of large groups of straight women descending on gay bars for prenuptial debauchery.
That said, the columnist did not say apps like Grindr are off-limits for straight women — as long as they do not bother the regulars. “Let them come to you,” the columnist advised about men who are bi or bi-curious, while also advising her to steel herself against criticisms she may receive from some users, as misogyny, unfortunately, is not contained to the straight world.
In fact, apps like Grindr and Scruff are “not just a space for queer men anymore,” the columnist stressed, noting how the apps have both made strides to make their digital spaces more LGBTQ-inclusive, especially for transgender people.
The Slate adviser concluded their recommendations with the prediction that Grindr or Scruff may not be the most fruitful space for finding a queer male sexual partner, although it may make for “an interesting experiment.” Instead, she may have better luck seeking out love in apps or websites that specifically cater to bisexual people or attending queer parties (and sex parties).
“Probably the best way for an affair with a queer man to happen would be organically over time, through an extended friend group, for example, but that would require some patience and a lot of uncertainty, both of which the modern mindset disdains,” the columnist stated.
Radical’s letter is part of an ongoing conversation about whether or not women have the right to access spaces traditionally reserved for gay men, including some gay bars, backrooms, and sex clubs. Gay sex columnist Dan Savage noted that there are still “corners” of these spaces that are still off-limits.
Should Radical go on Grindr? Leave your thoughts in the comments.