This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
The first few times I fucked as a fat girl, I exclusively wore my boyfriend’s Superman hoodie to hide my body. I was 16, a size 14 and it was 2009—long before body positivity hit the mainstream or my Tumblr feed. Now, as a 26-year-old woman wearing a size 20, sex has changed year after year as my body has gotten bigger and the dating pool has gotten smaller. With plus size partners, we can press our bellies together, grab each others bodies, and enjoy the thickness of our flesh in privacy (or with other partners, if they’re game for group sex). But fucking a fat girl when you don’t know her, what she likes, or what she dislikes, is apparently a minefield for most people with slimmer frames.
Before fucking someone new, I feel the need to address my fatness before we meet. My Bumble bio reads “honey with a tummy,” my photo selection has multiple full body pictures, and still I always end up asking: “How long have you liked fat girls?”
The answers vary from “never” to “it’s a preference” to “I never noticed.” The latter is the most insulting. I’m the size of the elephant in the room and you want to pretend that I don’t weigh double whatever you do? In reality, sometimes I’ll have sex with a fat fetishist to feel like a gorgeous goddess and the rest of the time I’m just making sure they’re not a fatphobe before I let them poke a finger in.
In short: it’s a minefield. If only someone could write a handy guide…
Touch the Fupa
It’s a universal truth known by fat girls that the FUPA is the most intimidating part of our body. I know this because my FUPA has been touched so little that I’m surprised she hasn’t shriveled up and fallen off. I think this is what some guys were hoping would happen too. Avoiding belly touching makes it all the more obvious that the belly is there. If you eat a cupcake and leave the frosting on the plate, it doesn’t stop the icing from existing (or tasting like a treat).
If you want to fuck me, fuck all of me. The hottest hookups are the ones that grab my belly like its a third tit, kiss the flesh on the way down to the kitty, and aren’t pretending my body is less than it is. You’ll be surprised at how hot holding on to soft flesh feels when you get over yourself, get a grip, and get into the actual body of the fat girl you’re sleeping with.
Stop Mentioning Skinny Girls
I can see it on your lips. It’s dying to jump off. You’re deciding between “I’ve always wanted to fuck a fat girl” or “I prefer your curves to thin girls.” If you’ve ever wondered the quickest way to kill a vibe, this is it. You’re not special for wanting to fuck a fat girl. There’s pages upon pages of Pornhub videos of men fantasizing about it, and it doesn’t make a girl feel special to be told the reason you’re desired is because of your body size.
If you’re fucking a person specifically to fulfill a fetish, the least you owe that person is to tell them about the fetish. You’ll be surprised how many fat women will be down for being a BBW, but forcing a kink on a woman who just wants to have sex is fucked up. Might I introduce you to Feabie, where my best fat friend told me I could find a fat boyfriend and all I got was harassed for pics of me eating twelve Pot Noodles. It ain’t for me, but there’s plenty of feeders, feedees, and fat fetishists to choose from.
Use Your Imagination
In the BBC DocumentaryToo Fat for Love, blogger Emma Tamsin-Hill visits a London sex emporium where her and fellow fat friends get tips from sex coach Athena Mae—who shows the ladies how to support their weight while on top, different positions for face fucking, and how to use a sex wedge pillow. Knowing all this info as a fat girl is definitely helpful, but as a single woman, if a guy whips out a sex wedge as soon as I arrive at the booty call, I have to say I will be swiftly exiting the booty call.
Instead, use this info with a little less rehearsal. Have more than two pillows on your bed so you can pop one under you if needed. If your bed is a flimsy piece of shit, have sex on the floor. Can’t fuck in the shower? Finger me in the bath. Stop trying to force our bodies into doing the wheelbarrow when the only handles either of us can grab on to are love handles.
When a skinny girl shares a meme about not getting on top, it’s a funny shared moment of laziness between sisters. But when a fat girl says “no” in the moment and some stupid cis dude tries to encourage her to climb aboard by stating “you won’t crush me,” the world feels like it’s falling down. I know I won’t crush you, as I am not a falling building or that giant boulder from Indiana Jones, but the implication that I could is there when you say that I won’t. Don’t try and motivate me into doing the missionary position; you are not Derrick Evans.
In almost all the sex I’ve ever had, I’ve known what I want more than my partner does. Mainly because I’ve been nearer my clit for longer than anyone else. This is true of anyone who has ever owned a clit. If your girl says she doesn’t want to get on top, it’s probably because getting on top is a lot more effort than bending over and taking it doggy—not because she’s waiting for someone to caress her face and tell her it’ll be okay. It’ll be even better lying back and taking it.
If a fat girl is your last choice on a night out, your friend’s girlfriend’s friend at a party, or just something you think you should try out—put your pants back on and go home. Fucking someone out of desperation or experimentation isn’t a good enough reason to be fucking them at all.
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.
Follow Gina Tonic on Twitter.